EP 104: Tom Fahres – Loss, Grieving, and Acumatica ERP Implementations (Podcast)

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Tom Fahres
Location: Denver, Colorado

In this podcast, Tim Rodman and Tom Fahres discuss the role of therapy in helping individuals cope with grief – both in personal tragedies and in the inevitable stresses during difficult ERP implementations.

Dealing with Grief with the Help of Therapy (3:05)

Tim began his therapy journey three months ago, initially skeptical about its effectiveness but now finding it profoundly beneficial. He reflects on his earlier reluctance to prioritize therapy, attributing it to a lack of understanding about its impact. However, his recent experiences have convinced him of its value. Tim’s inspiration for this episode stems from his personal therapy journey, which originated after a traumatic family incident in April 2013, triggering emotions of shame and anger. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing that anger often masks underlying emotions and highlights the transformative power of therapy.

Throughout the discussion, Tim and Tom plan to delve into their personal experiences with grief, exploring specific emotions and their effects. They intend to tackle the challenge of connecting emotional aspects with technical and professional contexts. Moreover, they will share valuable lessons learned from their individual grief journeys and draw parallels between their stories and the world of ERP implementation. By doing so, they aim to underscore the significance of therapy as a tool for processing and healing from grief.

Identifying Coping Mechanisms (9:26)

Tim reflects on the coping mechanisms he used to deal with his emotions, particularly during a period of grief. He mentions that everyone has their own ways of handling feelings. One of his coping mechanisms was writing on his blog, specifically looking back at his first posts on AUG Forums. This blog served as an outlet for him to express and process his emotions.

Tim acknowledges that his coping mechanism was separate from the principal grief he faced. During this period, he directed his frustration and anger toward a software product (Sage), realizing in hindsight that it was a way of channeling his emotions. Tim’s coping mechanism involved both writing and public expression, which allowed him to navigate and manage his feelings during difficult times.

Delving Into the Root Causes of Tim’s Grief (13:07)

Tim’s grief is rooted in a series of challenging events that unfolded over several years, leading to profound emotional distress. In the spring of 2015, his family began discussing his father’s memory loss, marking the beginning of their journey with his father’s cognitive decline. This period coincided with Tim’s move to Columbus, Ohio, adding the stress of adapting to a new environment far away from his parents, who were in San Diego.

The situation escalated in the fall of 2015 when Tim’s father’s employer sent a letter placing him on leave due to the impact of his memory loss on his work. In November of the same year, just after Thanksgiving, Tim’s father suffered a stroke, further complicating the situation. Subsequently, Tim’s grandmother, who had suffered from Alzheimer’s disease, passed away in January. This period of constant back-and-forth travel between Ohio and California, along with the emotional toll from these family losses, took a toll on Tim’s mental and physical well-being. It wasn’t until 2019 that he began to actively process his grief through emotionally challenging events, such as selling his long-held truck, which held sentimental value and served as a reminder of his father. The unexpected and unpredictable nature of grief, as well as its delayed onset, added to the complexity of Tim’s emotional journey.

The Long-Lasting Effects of Grief – The Loss of Tom’s First Child (20:32)

Tom’s challenging experience revolves around the loss of his first child which occurred over two decades ago. That loss continues to shape his life and emotions. He recounts how, during what should have been a joyous time, his wife’s high-risk pregnancy turned tragic when their baby girl passed away at around 41 1/2 weeks, just beyond what is typically considered full term. Tom reflects on how this unpredictable and profoundly sorrowful event impacted him and his wife, and how it challenged their understanding of grief’s enduring nature.

Tom highlights the long-lasting effects of grief, emphasizing that it never truly dissipates but instead coexists with love and the joys of life. Tom shares how grief initially felt like a curtain obscuring aspects of his life but gradually began to coexist with new experiences, like becoming a parent to their later children. The analogy of the heart expanding to accommodate love and grief simultaneously underscores the complexity of the emotional journey. Tom also emphasizes the surprise he experienced when he eventually turned to therapy for support, highlighting the value it continues to bring to his life.

The Harmful Effects of Unresolved Grief (26:17)

The discussion reveals how their experiences of grief manifested as a barrier between them and the outside world. They liken this emotional barrier to glass or a frosted window, which they find difficult to see through clearly. This analogy highlights the isolating and disorienting nature of unresolved grief, as it makes it challenging to engage with the world and maintain a sense of connection. Furthermore, their descriptions of depression, hopelessness, and the struggle to manage emotions showcase the psychological toll of unprocessed grief.

Tim also discusses how he initially resisted shedding tears, fearing that it would intensify his sadness. This resistance illustrates how unresolved grief can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms and the avoidance of emotional expression.

Processing Anger and Shame (31:36)

Tom describes feeling anger when he received the devastating news of his baby’s passing. This anger was directed at various sources, including the mechanics of the baby’s body, the doctor, the hospital system, and even the baby herself. His initial response of anger highlights the complex and often confusing emotions that can accompany grief. He also mentioned feeling shame, particularly related to thoughts of selfishness. He admits that he briefly worried about becoming an object of pity, which triggered feelings of shame. These emotions were fleeting but left a lasting impact on his memory.

Tim shares his perspective on shame, acknowledging that he had never realized how selfish he could be until he experienced grief. He describes feeling disgusted with himself at times, and this self-awareness led to a sense of shame. Tim’s admission that he grappled with selfish thoughts and felt ashamed of them underscores how grief can bring unexpected and challenging emotions to the surface.

Living Through Depression Is Much More than a Stage of Grief (37:25)

Now they discuss the limitations of the Kübler-Ross Change Curve when it comes to understanding the complexities of grief, especially the prolonged and multifaceted nature of their experiences. They both emphasized that grief is not a linear process with a clear start and end, as the curve suggests. Instead, it’s a messy and multidimensional journey that doesn’t fit neatly into a structured model.

Tom pointed out that the Kübler-Ross curve might be more suitable for describing project implementation than the intricate nature of human grief. In projects, you can apply resources and effort to move from one stage to another, but grief doesn’t work that way. Tim echoed this sentiment by stating that grief doesn’t pass through in a predictable manner; rather, it passes through you, affecting you in profound and often unpredictable ways. Both emphasized that grief is not something you navigate as much as something that affects and changes you, with reverberations that can last for years or even a lifetime.

Reaching the Feeling of Acceptance (43:04)

Tim and Tom highlight that to reach the feeling of acceptance in the context of grief, it’s important to understand that acceptance is not something you actively strive for or achieve through conscious effort. Instead, it’s the absence of certain intense emotions and feelings like anger, shame, sadness, and disbelief that you’ve processed and allowed to run their course. Acceptance grows gradually over time as you navigate and experience the various stages of grief. It’s the gift that remains once you’ve acknowledged and let go of the more intense and distressing emotions associated with loss. Acceptance is what allows you to envision a future and reintroduce hope into your life, making it possible to move forward, even though the pain of grief may never fully disappear.

Resiliency In Grief and Difficult ERP Implementations (46:41)

Next, resiliency is discussed as an outcome of the grieving process. It’s described as the ability to bounce back and cope with life’s challenges, even after experiencing profound loss or grief. They suggest that going through the grieving process can help one develop a sense of resiliency, which can be applied not only to personal life challenges, such as marriage and parenting but also to professional challenges like ERP implementations. Resiliency is depicted as a perspective shift, where one gains the ability to put professional challenges into perspective, understanding that they are not as critical as surviving the loss of a loved one, and thus they can be managed and overcome. The concept of resiliency is portrayed as a valuable lesson learned from the grieving process, helping individuals face life with strength and optimism.

Coping with Challenges through the Support of Others (53:37)

Both personal grief and professional challenges, such as ERP implementations, are better navigated when individuals seek support and community. They emphasize that you cannot fully grieve or get through a complex project alone. Tim shares his experience of attending grief support groups, highlighting the value of having a safe space to talk about one’s struggles and losses. Tom adds that sharing experiences and seeking professional help can be therapeutic. They extend this idea to the professional realm, emphasizing that ERP implementations are a group effort, and it’s essential to connect with colleagues and seek support when facing complex tasks. The conversation underscores the importance of community and collaboration in overcoming challenges and processing emotions.

Additionally, the impact of social isolation during the pandemic is discussed, along with how it affected individuals in the professional world, particularly those in back-office roles like ERP implementation. They stress the significance of connecting with colleagues, even in remote work settings, as it can provide a sense of community and alleviate feelings of isolation.

Wrap Up: Don’t Just Survive the Stress – Lean into the Grief and Build Resilience (1:12:20)

Tim reflects on a poignant lesson learned: leaning into grief instead of running from it. He shares a personal experience of recognizing grief’s physical signs and how he allowed himself to process the emotions related to his father’s passing during the podcast recording. Tim’s story illustrates the importance of acknowledging and embracing grief when it arises, even amidst busy workdays or challenging ERP implementations. He encourages listeners to seek support, take breaks, and share their feelings with trusted colleagues or friends. Tim’s therapeutic journey highlights that while grief may visit us temporarily, it doesn’t define our identity, and it ultimately contributes to building resilience. This conclusion beautifully ties together the themes of grief, resilience, and the importance of seeking support, offering a heartfelt and encouraging message to anyone facing their own challenge, whether personal or professional.